Baby Alb.

I had thought about writing a journal for quite a while, a few months anyway.  But ever since we've moved here life has been a lot calmer and things have been going quite well.  I'm not saying we haven't had ups and downs, we have, some serious ones, but on the whole we've had a quiet life.  When I created this journal it was for a specific reason, just to jot down privately my thoughts and how I was feeling every day.  I am hoping that my daughter will do the same one day soon.

But then when it came to writing it down. I couldn't do it.  So I babbled about nothing in particular.

At the beginning of October.  I can't remember the exact date. Dates have become very important now.  I was at the hospital for some tests.  Nothing serious.  They sent me for a blood test, and my daughter had gone with me, we were sitting in the waiting room waiting for my number to be called, when she suddenly blurted out that she might be pregnant!!. To say I was surprised was an understatement. She's 25yrs old now so it's not like she's too young.  She has a boyfriend, who I admit she hasn't known very long. But he's a nice man.

She took a home test.  Positive.  We began to get a bit excited. Doctors visits followed and we started going round the shops, looking at nappies, clothes, baby equipment, buggies, it was so tempting to buy something, anything, but we thought it might be a bit too soon. She was only 6 wks gone. Wait till after christmas she said. Oh how I wish we had bought something, anything that was specially for him. Sorry the tears are falling now.

On the 3rd November we went to a party in Pwllheli. we never got there.  The bleeding started.  She spent the whole week-end in Bangor hospital. We came  home on the Monday and she went for a scan at the local hospital on Tuesday 6th November. Great news baby was fine!!!. We had a picture. I said he looks like a chicken. We were laughing and we nick-named him Baby Alb. Adrian and Laura's baby.  The bleeding never stopped, but it didn't get any worse.  And life began to look good. I thought everything was going to be fine.

Then we had a death.  A babies death. He never had a chance at life because he died before he was born.  I say he because we nicknamed him Alb.

On Sunday 11th November she was in agony.  She rung the hospital but unless she went in as an in-patient there wasn't much they could do.  She had an appointment for Friday for a scan. We went and we cried all the way home.  It was an hours drive.

He was gone. Now we have nothing except a little picture.  I think Laura is copng so well.  She a strong woman.  She's had to be.  She's gone back to work to keep her mind busy. But somethings just stir it all up.

This past week-end we were in Pwllheli again. We went to the beach, we fed the ducks, we took Adam to the adventure park.  It was hard knowing that little Alb will never get to do these things. My daughter and I are close, well I like to think so. We say the same things at the same time, we always seem to know what the other one is thinking.  We drove home and then we hit the snow.  I love snow.  Adam loves snow.  What child doesn't.  Little Alb will never see snow.

We broke our hearts when we got home that night.

How could such a little being have made such an impact on all our lives???

It will get easier I know that. I know that thousands of women have been and are going through what Laura is going through now.  They have my prayers.  This has been such a pitiful entry. A self pitying, look at me, isn't it a shame for me entry. You know what I wanted it to be that. 

All you journallers are going through so much at the moment and you never say how bad it is. I am a wus. But I feel better for writing it down. 

I am Blessed, I know that and I have much to be thankful for. There are people out there who have much more sorrow in their lives than me. I don't know how they keep going. They have Faith I guess. Life goes on.

I may just delete this entry before I make it public.

 

Take care everyone.

Goodnight Baby Alb. Forever in our thoughts and prayers. xxx

Carol

Thank you to Sugar for the Autumn picture.